Misoriented

Rihanna recently committed the classic blunder of provoking a celebrity famewhore when she told a radio show that Tila Tequila should be muted.  Proving once again that she is indeed the most unfuckable woman in Hollywood, Tila immediately took to her website to announce that Rihanna packs STD’s and is a major bitch.  You do NOT trifle with this bitch and get away with it.  Tila is forever and she will shitlist you so fast, you’ll wish she ate your heart right then and there to end the pain.  But I’m sorry, she only does that while you’re sleeping.  Here’s an excerpt of the gold:

My sources are very legit, and they work in Rihanna’s legal camp, and that is how I know! SO RIHANNA HAS HERPES, STD’S & WAS SCARED TO SPEAK OUT ABOUT IT CUZ SHE DIDN’T WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT SHE HAS HERPES AND INFECTED SOMEONE ELSE WITH IT! BAD RIHANNA! So while you cascade around town, acting like yo shit don’t stink, and leading the media and your fans into thinking that you are a strong woman, and idol, well….it’s a shame you had to trick them into thinking you are, because truth is, you’re ruining other people’s lives, infecting people with your STD’s, and walking around getting praised and loving the sympathy, when really, in real life you are just a major bitch who could give 2 shits about your fans and all the people who have been supporting you! Including myself!

Some of you may be wondering if Tila is throwing stones from her glass house, but little do you know the MySpace Queen is IMMUNE to hypocrisy.  It doesn’t matter that Tila may have so many STD’s that the CDC started a satellite office in her vagina.  Or that she “doesn’t care what anyone has to say about me”, except for the thing Rihanna just said.  The point is that if you are going to start a beef with TT, just know that she will respond, she will most definitely go there, and society as a whole will lose.

Like an all-male game of strip poker, things have gotten really shitty really fast since Tiger attacked that fire hydrant with his Escalade.  The tabloids have geared up for a Normandy-style invasion of his neighborhood, and at least three different chicks have been linked to his ability to get stuff into holes.  His wife tried to kill him with a sand wedge for sending more text messages than a horny 15-year schoolgirl.  Is Tiger trying to fucking upstage Jon Gosselin?  Because I swear, JGoss will sleep with Nadya Suleman and eat one of his kids to get back on top if he needs to.  Don’t make him do it.

In spite of Tiger’s public plea for privacy and kicking the Florida police back to regulating bingo games where they belong, the scrutiny just will not stop.  That’s because our country was built on the principles of life, liberty, and minting cash off the backs of disgraced celebrities.  It’s like Tiger hasn’t even read the constitution.  But the worst hits keep coming from his own wife, Elin Nordegren.  The Daily Beast reports:

A lawyer familiar with the hastily conducted negotiations of the past 72 hours said that as of Wednesday evening Elin has been offered a $5 million payment immediately if she agrees to stay—and her prenuptial agreement is being revised to give her up to an additional $55 million.

And also:

The lawyer familiar with the couple’s negotiations told The Daily Beast that Tiger also has agreed to shorten the original prenup to seven years from the date of marriage, meaning it will vest in another two. And the revised agreement provides for a staggered schedule of payments spread out over five years that could be worth upward of $75 million. So for Elin to collect $80 million, she’ll need to stay with Tiger another seven years, be a dutiful wife in showing up with him at social events and in public as if they were still the perfect couple, and sign a nondisclosure form that will prevent her from ever telling her story. Even if she lasts only two more years, she’ll still walk away with nearly twice what she was entitled to under the original prenup.

So that’s $80 million for bedding some fame-whore who was on Tool Academy?  One who is now sharing that Tiger needs calf implants and is “horrible in bed“?  Worst.  Decision.  Ever.

UPDATE: Mistresses four, five, six, and seven have now been added to the mix.  Jaimee Grubbs still the sleaziest, although the porn star does give her a run for the money.

UPDATE 2: Number stands at 9, rumored to be upped to 12 by this weekend.

If you thought Tila’s pow bams were community property, you’d be wrong and then probably confused as hell.  Only days after removing her crazy, naked soliloquy on ustream.com, Tila is now threatening to sue the pants off 4tube.com unless they take down her recently leaked sex tape.  Apparently, Team Tequila is embarking on a new gameplan, which doesn’t involve blanketing the internet with her cleavage and handing out plastic molds of her tits.  Sure, she’s still going to be 80% naked 100% of the time, but it’s enough if everyone just thinks maybe, deep down, Tila really is an intensely private person who happens to hate clothes.  Plus the clip was stolen from her personal laptop collection, which is not for public consumption but for helping TT fondly immortalize her days as a whore.  You can’t just spread this shit around freely, people.  At least not until she finishes adding in the lesbian scene.

Remember back in the day when Nicole was butt ugly, shy, and not trying to break up the Pussycat Dolls with her solo career?  The Queen Doll herself certainly does:

Growing up, I was incredibly shy.  And awkward.  And lanky!  I always thought I was an ugly duckling…  I know joining the group helped me to find out who I am – and I love the message that any woman can be strong, confident and sexy.  I consider myself sexy when I’m dancing with the Dolls.  It brings out an inner strength, a bolder attitude and a fiery, fearless spirit.

I’m glad Nicole brought this up, because women never listen to me when I tell them that dancing provocatively in tight leather will make them feel better about themselves.  I don’t want to say I told you so, ladies, but maybe in the future you’ll pay attention to my other life lessons.  Like bigger breasts will make you smarter and save the rainforest.  Or that having the internet vote on your T&A makes you a fucking marketing genius.

Lately, Asian American actors have been capturing lead roles in film and television that have NOTHING to do with nunchucks, fighting, or surgery.  Not only does this confuse the shit out of people in the midwest, but it has forced Hollywood to put Caucasians into these roles.  Who the hell is going to believe they know how to do karate?!  This is starting to look like a fucking crisis, people.  We now have crap like The Last Airbender and Dragonball Evolution.  I mean, seriously, if you were going to change around stuff like making the lead non-Asian, then the least you could have done is ditch Jamie Chung.  Because nobody from Road Rules should EVER BE FAMOUS.  Ever.

Fortunately for the masses, Korean actor/singer Rain is on a personal mission to fix this.  At a recent press conference, he says of his upcoming film Ninja Assassin:

“I hope the movie reaches the No. 1 at the box office, but regardless of the numbers, it will open doors for more opportunities in Hollywood not only for myself but for other Asian actors.”

Well thank goodness, because I’m sick and tired of not seeing any Asian ninjas and assassins.  Hopefully this film is a giant success, and helps more aspiring Asian American actors struggling to break into the industry in martial arts roles.  The man is like a Hollywood version of Al Sharpton striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap, will be the leap home.  I’ve still got my fingers crossed for Rush Hour 4.

Somebody get us a round of shots because Lindsay is back on the prowl and dumping boyfriends with impunity.  A source for Life & Style mag claims she ended the relationship with Josh Radnor, saying:

“They have different lifestyles.   He’s a bit of a homebody, while she likes to go out and have fun.”

Not to mention that Radnor is appearing in his fifth season of How I Met Your Mother while Lindsay is killing off her shows left and right like the plague.  But that’s okay because it’s all about quantity, bitches, and Linds just wants a fifth of Patron.  You can’t blame a girl for wanting to spread her club hopping wings and get her nipples group licked.  That’s a rite of passage for any girl.  And besides, what kind of sick monster likes to stay home and not have fun?  Does he also hate Jenga?  Because that’s totally a dealbreaker.

With his lawyer banned from PA, Hailey dissing him on television, and his bromance with Michael Lohan in shambles, JGoss has been feeling lonely and crying like a little bitch.  Fortunately, this is where his recent conversion to being a descendent of Abraham comes into play.  Rabbi to the stars Shmuley Boteach invited Gosselin in for a private heart to heart, and by private, I mean with a $20 cover charge and more paparrazi than Lady GaGa could shake a stick at.  Sitting in what appeared to be a giant throne, Jon explained his fall from grace:

“Like I said, going back to work, people praise you at work for helping them… your kids when they’re little, they dont praise you, you know, they just want more and more and more.  So that was like missing, you know, even though you know you’re doing a good job, it’s just no one’s telling you ‘You’re doing a good job’, you know.  And I think as a man you need to hear that, like men need respect from their wife, they need to hear like ’You’re doing a good job’, ‘You’re doing this’, ‘You’re doing a great job’, ‘You’re a great father’, blah blah blah.   And when you’re not getting that, you’re gonna try and get that somewhere else.”

And we all know drunk coeds and slutty tabloid reporters are the BEST at telling you that you’re doing a great job and are a great father.  The infidelity sex part was just something on the side that JGoss had to deal with.  Hell, those bitches practically forced him.  But the REAL important takeaway here is that children need to step the fuck up and learn to recognize all-star parent material when they see it.  A couple hundos for a Montblanc pen split eight ways isn’t going to break anybody’s bank.

Watch the full video here.  The special counseling package, which I highly recommend people try to get in on if they’re ever in town, was part Shmuley life story and part Dr. Phil, and all around fantastic.  The good Rabbi has a natural gift, and that gift is the ability to look as much dbag as Jon Gosselin.

It’s about time.

Eurohit sensation

Why does Jimmy Fallon still have a career?  Does anybody besides Lorne Michaels know?  Are they sleeping together?  Sometimes I think Fallon and Keanu Reeves are almost comparable in their lack of acting skills, until I remember that Reeves has millions to his name and never made a movie with Queen Latifah.  After watching last week’s Late Night episode, I can guarantee the show would be fine being hosted by a cucumber or at least Craig Kilborn.

Luckily, when you have guests like Artie Lange and Olivia Munn, you don’t need shit because the two absolutely KILLED IT.  Discussion about Ecstasy?  Check.  Fallon practically begging to be let back into the conversation?  Check.  Joke about fucking a tuba?  Check.  To top things off, Munn revealed that she is working on new career aspirations:

“I went to Europe this past summer and I was listening to this like… that like great hip hop.  Like not really hip hop… it’s what they call hip hop, but it’s like Eurohits sensation.  It’s like people fist pumping and just going crazy.  And I went out there and I said, ‘You know what?  I hear this music and it’s just so catchy and I wanna make a one-hit wonder.’   Like I want to make a one-hit wonder, a Eurohit sensation.  There’s a song out there, I dont know if you guys, if any of you guys, know it.  It’s called ‘I’ll Do You like a Truck’.  I’m not even kidding you, the song goes ‘I’ll do you like a truck, I’ll do you like a truck’… and that’s it.”

Taking inspiration from vehicular sex talk is risky, but as I’ve said before, anything involving fist pumping is destined for greatness.  Throw in some shots of Munn shaking her rear and the fact that she is targeting a musical audience of 13-year old boys, this single should sell like hot cakes.

The bathtub makes it sexier

Jailbait celeb website JSYK released results of a poll in which they asked the future of America to vote on important issues like “The TV Drama You MUST TiVO/DVR” and “Mean Girl On TV You’d Like To Spread A Rumor About”. (Shout out to our girl Brenda Song who brought home gold in the latter – way to outbitch the comp!) Sadly, our perennial category favorite, “Most Likely to End Up Like Danny Bonaduce”, was left off the list. My vote’s for everyone from The Hills. Vanessa Hudgens, of course, was in the running for “Worst Celeb Influence” based on her great work in front of a mirror. That distinction, however, went to Miley “I Heart Chinese” Cyrus, who was able to pole dance her way to the top. The Hudge finished a disappointing #4. Next year, team, next year.